Teaspoon vs Ocean

So many incomplete thoughts circling in my head...this means it is time to sit down and write. On the church bulletin each week a quote related to the sermon can be found. Today part of the quote sums up the cause of my meandering thoughts. "We dip out teaspoon into the vast ocean of the living God. Holding that teaspoon in our hand, we say 'This is God.' We pour it out into our lives and we say 'This is the Christian Experience.' God calls us to dive into the ocean...Our Lord is so vast, and our exposure to him is so small." Raymond Ortlund Jr, When God Comes to Church

I have been here for three months. Not a long time you say. Well, it is enough time to establish acquaintances, routines, know where grocery stores are located, experience the hot spots/tourist spots, learn several things at work without getting involved in the politics. It, however, is not enough time to establish true community, become good at what you do at work, to feel like you belong somewhere.

With the exception of Mercy Ships, I have been moving every three months for several years. On the ship, there was constant change over in the volunteers and roommates. I am not moving, my roommates will be the same for a year. I am putting down roots, opening bank accounts, becoming the not so new one. While, I yearned for stability while traveling, I am not so sure how to live here. It does not feel like home. I think it will more in the coming months as I become even more established. I have been living in the teaspoon rather than diving into the ocean.

As I sit on my porch enjoying the cooler weather, I see the photos of Mercy Ships arrival to Madagascar. I desire to be there. In reality, the grass is always greener. While there, I felt like God was calling me to stay put somewhere for awhile here in the States. Right now though, I want to be on the ship. I want predictability. I want to be with people who I can be myself and who have similar values and goals. I, know deep down though, that God has directed me to be here where I am for this season. Sara Groves song "Painting Pictures of Egypt" talks about just this. Even this weekend, I have had several deeper conversations which makes me feel like I belong.

When I am at work, I am struggling with balancing getting my to do list done and loving people. My internal wiring is to be efficient, to do, to get items crossed off the list. Well, working in the hospital it is easier said than done. With so many moving pieces, it can be challenging to see the patient when works best in my schedule. I am growing in this area. I tend to get upset, frustrated, hurumphed when I am unable to see someone. By the time I do get to see the patient for PT, I have a challenging time tshowing love to the patient as a person created by God who is sick rather than a task. Another aspect that is difficult for me is when things don't go the way they are intended to go. For instance, wrong orders, unexpected time is needed to address the patient's case, difficult family, computer access issues,etc. At the end of the day, I often feel like it was a good day if I saw everyone on my list. It was a not so good day, if I did not complete my list. I should also be judging my day by the standard of did I share God's love today? I am working on balancing the two. I am living in a teaspoon rather than an ocean.

I was talking with medical resident at a picnic last night. She asked me if the social situations here were more difficult than in developing countries. I had not thought about comparing the two. They are different. In the developing countries, often the resources are not readily available, education is not as advanced, cultures don't value efficiency, politics are different. Sometimes it is easier to say I did the best I could with what I had there.

Here in the States, the healthcare system is broken as well. Although there are theoretically more resources and everyone has access to healthcare, it does not often happen smoothly. We don't always get what we need when we need it. It is harder for me to swallow some of the social situations that I feel like should have a better solution. Just like "abroad," there are not simple easy solutions. The resident's and my conclusion for the evening was to have a job we could feel like we could show we cared and loved them by spending time and listening to them. One step at a time. God calls us to Love Mercy, Act Justly, and to Walk Humbly with our God. At the end of the day, whether near or far, that it was I am supposed to do.

As I sit here and reflect on some of the "good" moments, I remember the sound of a young girl's giggles while playing floor hokey in the PT gym. The smile of a young man when sharing about his theater aspirations. He thanked me for talking about what he enjoyed even after receiving the news he would have to remain in the hospital several more days. Seeing a young woman's face light up when I brought a picture of a tiger into her room to mark the goal distance for walking. Tigers are one of her favorite animals. Being able to see a baby's developmental progress in gross motor skills by not crying when immediately placed on her belly. Saying goodbye to a patient going home with family after months in the hospital receiving a bone marrow transplant. I even treated myself to plantain chips which are found in Guatemala and Africa and gluten free Funfetti (the best kind of cupcakes) this weekend. As I try to dive into the ocean and not get stuck living in my teaspoon view of the world and God, I would appreciate your prayer, thoughts, and comments.

Trail Markers

Walking by the Eno River for a couple hours on an unexpected day off provided a place for my mind to wander freely. I had intended to go to a different area of the park, but the directions were unclear. I decided to stay where I was and wander there. Several loop trails that can be attached to each other provided scenery of the shallow river and the woods. 

Although the animals were not as exotic as some recent places I have walked, I was delighted to see a fawn scamper away. Sunning turtles plop into the water off the log when I walked by them, an egret standing tall in the river, and several different species of butterflies fluttering around. Several flowers and fungi I had not seen were also fun spot. 

One reason I enjoy wandering, as aforementioned, is my mind is free to wander as well.  The once common walks after dinner, the walks in the gardens, the walks without a goal when ideas were freely discussed, pondered, and meditated are becoming uncommon. Usually if we are walking, we are walking with the purpose of exercise or transportation. We have an intention or focus. Wandering in nature often puts life back into perspective for me. Seeing things we would miss if we were in a hurry or focus on other things. I am reminded the world is bigger than what is going on inside my head or life.

On the walk today, I kept my eye out for the trail blazes.  One time when I was not confident I was on the trail I wanted, I thought the following: trail blazes let us know we are still on the correct path. If we maintain our direction, we will encounter another trail blaze confirming the way. I was struck how this is the way life with God often unfolds. We have a general game plan/trail map. We were created for his glory, our standards for living are in the Bible, we will eventually die and move into eternity. We, however, do not know what all the twists and turns of life will bring. We cannot see beyond the curve or over the hill. Like on an unknown trail, we yearn for confirmation we are where we are supposed to be. Sometimes they are more difficult to find than others. 

This was a trail in Joshua Tree...It looks like one right?

These carins were the trail markers that were scattered throughout the rocks to indicate the trail.

Look for the carins to find the trail down.

If we continue to move forward day to day with what we do know is true and right, God will give us markers. Sometimes, He will not reveal what is exactly is next, but confirm His presence and knowledge with us in the present. Just as I was getting tired of fighting for the truth in my mind and soul without a trail marker, one came in the sermon on Sunday. The sermon was on Psalm 73. It begins with the psalmist having a tantrum about how the wicked seem to be flourishing. In the middle of the psalm he goes to the sanctuary where he sees the sacrifices and is reminded of God's grace. The psalm ends with his focus returned to the goodness of God being all sufficient. Nothing in the world or his circumstances has changed that we know of, but he has a renewed understanding of the goodness of God.

These past two months, I have weekly and sometimes daily been reminded that this life does not last forever. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. While this is true all the time, interacting with children and adults after a sudden traumatic death or slow tough battle with cancer keeps this in the forefront.  Also, I have a close friend who is in his last days of his fight with ALS. A coworker of mine lost her mother in a car crash two weeks ago. The anniversary of Mom passing is around the corner. Trying to figure out how to be with the people, how to love them, how to be deal with it myself are all challenging. I think subconsciously I was trying to not deal with it by keeping busy. Business = no time to think/process/feel. 

Wanting to be perfect and knowing deep down that God is good, I was not giving myself freedom to question His goodness. The sermon Sunday not only reminded me it is okay to question, it is often the only way through the feeling and emotion. We are allowed to have the tanturms as long as we bring them to God. He usually helps us get over them. One way He and I do is by wandering in nature. This helps me renew my perspective. We are part of something bigger than ourselves. If we are Christian, we belong to God's family. Like Matthew  reminds us, if the birds of the air and the flowers of the field are beautiful and provided for, what do I have to worry about. God does not change. He is still good even when circumstances and feelings and emotions cloud our beliefs. I  am thankful for the trail markers along the path of life.

We are part of God's bigger beautiful story that began before us and will continue after us. 

Even though we feel very small and unnoticed, God does see us and care about us.

Random Thoughts

I have several, but none by themselves are enough for a blog. This is a compilation of them in one local.  I don't know if you have experienced or remember orientation in college. There are so many opportunities and groups. Where do you fit? You want to try everything to see where you want to invest your time. I have tried running group, multiple churches, comedy club, contra dance, small groups, coffeehouses, farmer's markets, CSAs. Like everywhere I have lived, I will have different groups for different interests.

I live in Carrboro which is known for being “crunchy.” I was just informed that crunchy is the new term for granola. If none of those make sense to you...Hippy will. I bike to work, bike or walk in town, decide what I will cook for the week based on what I get at the CSA (community supported agriculture). It has been weekly zucchini, but tomatoes are becoming the highlighted item.

I have come to a teahouse in the country to relax and reflect this Sunday afternoon. Friday night at the contra dance, I saw the guy who works at the bike shop, people from a church I visited, people I only see at contra. At the teahouse, I saw a guy who is a member of the CSA. I like this small town feel. It is starting to feel like a community. Even though most of the conversations have been surface level, it is nice to start seeing the same people. This is a town where highly educated people have chosen to live simply, small town lives.

The stage and play area 

Honeysuckle Teahouse

Some of the herbs and teas

I have begun attending a church that is a different culture. From what can be gathered in only a couple Sundays, this church is full of deep thinkers. Many people appear preppy and drive nice cars. Many live the suburbia life and career life well. This is an area where highly educated people have chosen to live in newly built neighborhoods with nice physical items.

I value and enjoy both. It is weird to be in one setting listening to what people say about the other. I have not experienced how unique my lifestyle/dreams are until recently. It seems strange that someone's goal would be to study to serve abroad. To love people abroad. Granted in the world where most of my interactions are with PhD candidates or medical people, the idea of not climbing the ladder or getting a paper publish is not even an option in their minds. These are all important too. In fact, this is one of the reasons I am here to learn. I am glad God has gifted people with these drives and interest so we can all benefit from the new knowledge.

Some of the thoughts I been thinking about from different conversations are as follows:

1)Our desire to be a part of a community is one that is innate. We are made in the image of God. God is communal. God is trinity (Gen 1:26-27). God created male and female. We are supposed to be in community with those who are different than us in a life giving way.

2)Aslan is the turkish word for lion. Alsan and turkish delight play contrasting roles in Chronicles of Narnia that are relevant in our lives today. Turkish delight represents our attempt to satisfy desires with earthly deceptive things. The more we eat, the more unsatisfied we become needing to eat more and more to try to satisfy our desires. The only thing that can truly satisfy and fulfill our desires is Jesus.

3)God valued the human body that he created so much that he became human and dwelt among us. We often want to look good, to meet the standard. We want this even for our food. The produced ranked on B and C scale does not get sold in the stores. Something grown in the garden or a local farm with marks /scars of sun and growth is expected. It is proof that chemicals and pesticides were likely not used. Also the produce was allowed to ripen on the vine/plant until ready to be picked. It has much more color and flavor. Why is it so hard for us to give this freedom and grace to people? No one is perfect. We all have cracks from the weather and growth life throws at us. We, however, work so hard to cover them up and not let people know. We often feel shame is sharing with someone we are not perfect and have daily struggles. 1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel.  "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the hear."

These Heirloom tomatoes are delicious and beautiful inside

Beauty in the unique shapes and color 

Both squash, yet so different. 

4)Jesus did not live an easy life. He did not fit in his culture. He never married, never had a true place to call home, was rejected countless times ( John 1:9-10), was from a carpenter in a not popular town, was misunderstood by many, and had a few close friends whom he shared his daily life (disciples). This has been bringing me comfort. He loved people (lovely and unlovely). He cared for peoples physical needs. He cared for his heavenly Father. He cared for himself. He took time to be alone, time to pray and reflect, time to be in nature.  

I will close with the beauty of some of the details of creation.

It's not easy being different

Well, it has been quite some time since I wrote a blog. It is nice to be able to feel like I can take a bit to sit down and write. I have taken a permanent job here at a children's hospital. It has been a big transition. Spoiler Alert...It is not easy being different and being the new one. Although there were many aspects of doing travel therapy that I enjoyed, I am ready to be still for awhile. I yearn for community.

If you know me, you know that I usually do things  differently than the norm. This transition has been no different.  Keeping in line with doing things differently, I started my first week without a place to live. The Lord did provide two places to spend the nights and a good way to commute to work the first week.

I do have a place to live now. I have two roommates one of which will stay through next August and one who will be leaving at the end of this July. I have a nice size room with a private bath. I enjoy the large windows that let in sunlight. It is conveniently located to the center of town (1/2 mile), across from a park full of trails, about 10 -15 minute bike ride to work. It is quiet and surrounded by trees.

As usual with any move and/or change in job, very few things went the way they normally do. I will spare you the details. The first week was corporate and large departmental orientation. It felt like I was being sprayed with a fire hose of full blast daily. Each day is a little better with knowing how to perform PT, have a beeper that works, getting benefits set up, getting a routine, learning protocols, learning names and faces of nurses and doctors, and the like. Finally, I feel like I am getting settled both at work and home. Now, I can concentrate mainly on learning at work and building a community. I do not like the feeling of treading water and doing your best. Nothing is smooth. Unfortunately, the only way to improve is to continue to go through it.

Throughout this season, there have been many occurrences where I felt like saying out loud in the same sentiment of Kermit the Frog saying "It's not easy being green," "It is not easy being different." I will recount a couple here.

 Job: went from working adults outpatient primarily orthopedics to children weeks old to 21 y.o. in acute care.

Housing: went from living in true community with 5 others who rotated through a small cabin on a ship to a house where we co-exist.

Transportation: from a city where you walk or take pusse-pusse to a city where you drive 20 minutes to get almost everywhere to a city where walking and biking are very common. A drive of 10 minutes seems like you are going far away.




I was told the uniform was a specific style and brand of scrub bottoms and polo top with logo. Upon arriving here, I tried them on in the store to find the correct size. After finding the size, I was informed that the scrubs would have to be ordered. They scrubs would arrive in 7- 10 business days. When I arrived to my area of the hospital, I noticed that no one was wearing quite what I had ordered. Once the scrubs did arrive, I discovered they were about 4 inches to long. In order to get through the day, I paper clipped a hem. I promptly returned them to the store only to find a couple pairs of the other acceptable scrubs. They too were about 3-4 inches too long. All my coworkers shared they had to hem theirs too. Now, three weeks later, thanks to my grandma, I have three scrub bottoms of appropriate length, color.

I have never lived where riding a bicycle is common transportation. While I do know how to "ride" a bike, I did  not feel confident riding with traffic. Thankfully, here most streets have bike lanes. Some areas even have bike paths that connect main streets. I have gained some confidence by watching other bikers and simply practicing. While learning, I again feel like I stick out for being different.

Having been a traveler for several years, I actually had to acquire things like shower curtains, towels, bookshelf, etc. Most people simplify when they move. I feel like I still live fairly simply.

It is also different being in a college town but not being a student. Like anywhere I go, it will take time to meet people. Here, there are many different activities and events. When I go to ones by myself and feel like everyone else is there with someone they know. I feel like I stick out as being different.
 
Opposite to what this blog has been about, I do feel like I will enjoy being here. Many of the people I have met are very well educated, have wide interests, like to live simply, eat locally, healthily (vegan, high fat, vegetarian, gluten free, organic), artsy (pottery, paint, music), like to bike or walk places. I will try to keep you posted. I have attended a short story reading with wine and cheese, gone contra dancing, attended free symphony concert, free strings quartet, heard live music while eating outside a a market. Slowly but surely I will be secure in being different again.

Reminders from Seashells

We are never truly in control of our lives. When we have a routine, purpose, direction, we feel we have more stability and even control. We are often caught off guard with the car breaks down, the computer malfunctions, washing machine stops working. We feel out of control. Waiting for the next step in life, jobs, places to live, results is another time we are reminded we are not in control.

While I am in another season of waiting, I am went to visit a good friend at the beach. While she worked during the day, I  enjoyed long walks on the beach. In the evenings, I spent time with her and her family.

One day while walking on the beach, I was struck by the variety of seashells. My thought then wandered as follows. As far as I could see, so many shells were scattered in a line where the waves just were.

Yes there were many of them, but as I continued walking I was struck by the variety of colors and shapes. There are billions of people in the world, yet we are all unique. It is the differences and variety that make it beautiful. I often need to be reminded of this.

These shells were often broken. When I saw this one I thought what a great illustration of how we can have a "hole" but still maintain our overall shape.

Like these shells, we are tossed and beaten up sometimes by life happenings. We try to hang on to God but still get banged up. 

Often we try to hide our chips, holes, big pieces that are broken off.  

Also, we work hard to have a "normal" appearance on the outside. Once someone gets to know you on a deeper level, beauty of the inside is revealed. 

 This is a shell reminded me of the beauty in simplicity and stopping to look at the details.

 Hopefully, we can remember that all the waiting, feeling out of control, and unexpected in this life is part of the process of making us smooth and round like these pebbles tossed in the waves.

What now?

I have enjoyed watching spring unfold. White pear flowers turning into bright green leaves, cherry blossoms in full, green grass, small leaves appearing on other trees. A new season, outward appearances change, beauty, slow growth.  I feel this is a good description of how I feel. Entering a new season of life. Like the plants and trees, doing the chemical and biological aspects without being seen. Just as changes in amount of light and temperature trigger chemical and biological changes unseen to the naked eye in plants and trees, experiences in different cultures often trigger thought, value, and direction changes in people. This is often difficult to express in words to others.

How was your trip? How are you doing? How are you transitioning? All fair questions to ask when you have not seen someone for 6 months who has been abroad. Although they seem simple questions, the answers are not so simple. What aspect do you pick to tell them about? What is this particular person truly interested in hearing? How do you pick one highlight to share? Although I did travel before and after serving on the ship, the majority of my time was living there. It was not truly a trip.

Addressing the questions of how I am doing and transitioning, it is not as easy as other times I have been to another country. What is normal anyway? I have heard and like the saying, "Normal is just a setting on the dryer." Traveling abroad in several different countries, cultures, economic levels, modes of transportation, and food is one way to significantly blur your definition of normal. Which side of the road to drive on, how and where one purchases food, gets from one place to another, housing, electricity, water, how you pay for items, how you know the prices of items, number of choices/options of items, and ways of communicating are just some of the everyday things that differ.

Is one way better than another? The quick surface answer may appear to be yes. Upon further examination, however, I am not so sure. This is not a guilt trip, so please keep reading. I do like the consistency of being able to turn on a light switch or plug in something and having the light turn on or the item to charge. I like the same consistency of running water at any faucet and being able to drink it whenever I would like. I do like having options to chose what and when I want to eat or go somewhere. I like the ability to go to three grocery stores within a 5 mile radius of my house, drive across town (15 miles) to help a friend move, go out to dinner 10 miles in the opposite direction without blinking an eye. I am grateful for healthcare easy access (so to speak...another topic for another time).

I, however, do miss the exercise and fellowship that happened while walking 2-3 miles minimum to the market to get food, to go out to eat, to buy shoes, to go to church. I miss the simplicity of needing shampoo and having only one option on the shelf.  I miss the community of sitting down for a meal three times a day with others (old friends and new ones). I miss the ease of walking across the hall or up to another floor or across the compound to spend time with friends. I miss the local fresh tropical fruit. Simplicity and community are two things that I think other cultures may have better.

Sure they come at a cost, TIME. It takes time to walk to get water, to the market, to work. I have heard it said, "One either has an abundance of time or money, but rarely an abundance of both." I think there is truth to this saying.

So, how am I transitioning? I am fine. I am adjusting to the way life works here again. I have been overwhelmed as usual first time going to a store with the options of everything from canned tomatoes to tweezers to rock hard fruit shipped from Mexico. I am trying to make connections here again, but find talking with people from the ship who are now all over the world important as well.  I am waiting for the next step. I am in another hold pattern of sorts. I have applied for two jobs and do not want to open more doors until I have more information and clarity about these. I do not want to invest in finding a place to live, new friends, new hobbies until I have more direction. In the mean time I will keep smiling at others and enjoying the present time.

Indescribable

As I walked near, upstream, below, and both "sides" trying to think of how to tell people about it, the words of indescribable, incredible, unbelievable were all that came to mind. Not very helpful or descriptive.

Some of the aspects that make it spectacular are the beauty visually, the roaring sound that can be heard from far away, the rainbows at certain times of days, the power of the water falling over the cliffs, the volume of water, and the size of the waterfall.

Everyone who travels to see this wonder asks which side is better. I took advantage of the opportunity of being there and saw both sides. I saw Zimbabwe side first. This side enables one to see the largest section of the falls. The Zambia side allows one to get closer to the falls, walk further upstream and go to river level below the falls. My conclusion: if a tourist from the United States, get the Kaza Uni Visa which allows one to go to both countries multiple times in 30 days. In other words, see both sides if at all possible.

The mist from the falls could be seen from where I was staying in Victoria Falls. The roar of the falls could be heard from dark to about 6:30 AM. After 6:30 AM, the sound of helicopter rides usurped the sound of the falls at the rest camp. The rest camp/downtown was about a 15 minute walk from the falls.

One day I had crocodile on a fresh greens salad lunch at the Victoria Falls Hotel which is an expensive place to stay. The patio overlooks the spray of the falls. The yard and pathways lead to views of the river below at its first switchback. The salad was the first I had had in 6 months. It was delicious.

In Zambia, I stayed at Faulty Towers hostel. This was a great place to stay complete with a pool, living room and dining room separate from the bar and pool area. Travels literally from all over the world were staying there for times of one night to up to 5 weeks. Single travelers and families were there. This made for several great conversations about different countries and people's choices in life, working, traveling, living. The falls were about a 10 minute taxi ride from Livingstone.

After spending several hours at the falls and a couple weeks later, I do not have any more descriptive words for it.