Teaspoon vs Ocean

So many incomplete thoughts circling in my head...this means it is time to sit down and write. On the church bulletin each week a quote related to the sermon can be found. Today part of the quote sums up the cause of my meandering thoughts. "We dip out teaspoon into the vast ocean of the living God. Holding that teaspoon in our hand, we say 'This is God.' We pour it out into our lives and we say 'This is the Christian Experience.' God calls us to dive into the ocean...Our Lord is so vast, and our exposure to him is so small." Raymond Ortlund Jr, When God Comes to Church

I have been here for three months. Not a long time you say. Well, it is enough time to establish acquaintances, routines, know where grocery stores are located, experience the hot spots/tourist spots, learn several things at work without getting involved in the politics. It, however, is not enough time to establish true community, become good at what you do at work, to feel like you belong somewhere.

With the exception of Mercy Ships, I have been moving every three months for several years. On the ship, there was constant change over in the volunteers and roommates. I am not moving, my roommates will be the same for a year. I am putting down roots, opening bank accounts, becoming the not so new one. While, I yearned for stability while traveling, I am not so sure how to live here. It does not feel like home. I think it will more in the coming months as I become even more established. I have been living in the teaspoon rather than diving into the ocean.

As I sit on my porch enjoying the cooler weather, I see the photos of Mercy Ships arrival to Madagascar. I desire to be there. In reality, the grass is always greener. While there, I felt like God was calling me to stay put somewhere for awhile here in the States. Right now though, I want to be on the ship. I want predictability. I want to be with people who I can be myself and who have similar values and goals. I, know deep down though, that God has directed me to be here where I am for this season. Sara Groves song "Painting Pictures of Egypt" talks about just this. Even this weekend, I have had several deeper conversations which makes me feel like I belong.

When I am at work, I am struggling with balancing getting my to do list done and loving people. My internal wiring is to be efficient, to do, to get items crossed off the list. Well, working in the hospital it is easier said than done. With so many moving pieces, it can be challenging to see the patient when works best in my schedule. I am growing in this area. I tend to get upset, frustrated, hurumphed when I am unable to see someone. By the time I do get to see the patient for PT, I have a challenging time tshowing love to the patient as a person created by God who is sick rather than a task. Another aspect that is difficult for me is when things don't go the way they are intended to go. For instance, wrong orders, unexpected time is needed to address the patient's case, difficult family, computer access issues,etc. At the end of the day, I often feel like it was a good day if I saw everyone on my list. It was a not so good day, if I did not complete my list. I should also be judging my day by the standard of did I share God's love today? I am working on balancing the two. I am living in a teaspoon rather than an ocean.

I was talking with medical resident at a picnic last night. She asked me if the social situations here were more difficult than in developing countries. I had not thought about comparing the two. They are different. In the developing countries, often the resources are not readily available, education is not as advanced, cultures don't value efficiency, politics are different. Sometimes it is easier to say I did the best I could with what I had there.

Here in the States, the healthcare system is broken as well. Although there are theoretically more resources and everyone has access to healthcare, it does not often happen smoothly. We don't always get what we need when we need it. It is harder for me to swallow some of the social situations that I feel like should have a better solution. Just like "abroad," there are not simple easy solutions. The resident's and my conclusion for the evening was to have a job we could feel like we could show we cared and loved them by spending time and listening to them. One step at a time. God calls us to Love Mercy, Act Justly, and to Walk Humbly with our God. At the end of the day, whether near or far, that it was I am supposed to do.

As I sit here and reflect on some of the "good" moments, I remember the sound of a young girl's giggles while playing floor hokey in the PT gym. The smile of a young man when sharing about his theater aspirations. He thanked me for talking about what he enjoyed even after receiving the news he would have to remain in the hospital several more days. Seeing a young woman's face light up when I brought a picture of a tiger into her room to mark the goal distance for walking. Tigers are one of her favorite animals. Being able to see a baby's developmental progress in gross motor skills by not crying when immediately placed on her belly. Saying goodbye to a patient going home with family after months in the hospital receiving a bone marrow transplant. I even treated myself to plantain chips which are found in Guatemala and Africa and gluten free Funfetti (the best kind of cupcakes) this weekend. As I try to dive into the ocean and not get stuck living in my teaspoon view of the world and God, I would appreciate your prayer, thoughts, and comments.