Invest or Not to Invest

As I sit here winding up one chapter and beginning an new chapter, I am anxious, apprehensive, sad, excited, want to run explore, want to roll up into a ball. Overall, I am an emotional wreck inside. On the one hand, I am ready to be home for more than a week for the first time in 18 months. On the other hand, the packing and driving again into the unknown is not desirable. The week of transition is always challenging.

As my Dad said during one of the many transitions, it is all about choices. I have chosen the transitory lifestyle for now. With that comes the  "drama" of change.  With a personality of liking patterns, control, knowing what the future hold, this always prove a challenge. The dichotomy of the excitement of forging the unknown and the difficulty of leaving the comfort of a the known can become an addicting combination. I will attempt to share some of the "drama" of a traveler's lifestyle.

Traveling to rural areas often means the locals have not had or taken the opportunity to travel far, but they know all the ins and outs of the place. This strong foundation provides a wonderful resource for finding the best local stores, restaurants, hiking spots, etc.  It, however, also provides an interesting dynamic for relationships. With the choice of meeting and befriending people, one also chooses saying "see you later" at some point.  Despite trying to not become  "too close," there are always a few relationships that grow deeper than I realize. No matter how much I try to protect my heart and the hearts of others from the pain of leaving, I end up giving a piece of my heart. I have left pieces of my heart with many different ages, nationalities, ethnicities, and places. Leaving these knowing that the relationships as they are will never be exactly the same and recognizing the fact I may not seem them again is the bitter part.

The is the sweet part, however,  "Bird of a feather flock together." This saying is true even for people with the traveling bug bite. People to travel dive past the pleasantries of small talk and find a commonality that leads to a quick friendship. Everywhere I have gone, I have met people from other countries than the one where we are currently located. Special conversations and experiences lead to friendships that continue through phone calls, emails, facebook, and skype when there is internet fast enough. Meeting new people and seeing things different than my daily life expands the heart. Learning new skills, honing old skills, learning new cultures, learning new interests and discovering new dreams. My heart must currently require some more expanding.

Another scene of this drama is the truth that life goes on without you. As much as we would like to think we can pick up where we left off, this is not possible. This is no one's fault; it is just a phenomenon of life. It is even a law of physics. An object in motion will remain in motion until acted upon by an outside force.  While time marches on at "home" without you, you are marching to a beat of a different drum. Just like in a symphony, there are times in life we are soloists. There are other times we all are playing the composition together. I, also, like to think of life as a woven tapestry. We are all  moving, growing, learning at different rates, times, and ways. Our lives run parallel for awhile and perpendicular for awhile. Keeping up with communication allows for the parallel times to be as seamless as possible making it feel like picking up where you left off.

Well, there you have it some of the aspects of a traveling lifestyle that no one shares with you when you sign up. The more, I think about it though, it is the difficult parts of anyone's life. Nothing stays the same even if you are still living in the same house in the same town. People come and go out of our lives. To invest in relationships or not to invest. My heart has been molded and changed in ways I could not have imagined or foreseen by investing in people. Therefore, I chose to continue to invest. Investing wisely, that is, in order to be a good steward of my heart.

National Parks: Switchbacks

Another similarity between National Parks (really most mountains) and life are the switchbacks often experienced. Many roads and trails in National parks often have switchbacks. The hike or road begins on the canyon floor with a beautiful view of mountains or rock formations towering in front of you.  After a little while, the elevation gain begins to increase rapidly. Soon one becomes thankful for the switchbacks. While hiking or driving on the switchback, one can only see the canyon wall directly in front of you or a steep drop off beside you. With each switchback progress is made up the mountain and the view changes from rock to overlooking the canyon depending which switchback you are on at the moment. As you climb higher, you can look back and down to see how far you have come. While climbing, one may wonder when will they reach the top as the switch backs seem endless. When one does reach the top, the view is amazing. You can see most of the valley as the view is 360 degrees. The view truly is worth the climb.

How is this like life? Well, at least my life journey, has switchbacks literally. I have bounced back and forth from North Carolina, Southern California, Guatemala, and now Mercy Ships several times. Each time there was a foundation which new adventures and challenges were built upon.  Each transition seemed impossible as I was looking at the tall mountain in front of me. Walking one foot in front of the other with God by my side, I make the turn and am able to look back at the switchback. I am able to see it was a necessary season or experience to get to where I am. Often the view and experience is better than I could have planned or arranged. Below I delineate switchbacks in the last several years. 

 After graduate school, I moved to the Pasadena area of California with the dream of practicing physical therapy during the week and traveling to National Parks on the weekends. Immediately after arriving, my life changed drastically in the unexpected passing of my mother. My job required more hours than anticipated which did not allow for traveling on the weekends. Instead, I forged many close friendships in the area which I still maintain today. I did have the opportunity to hike several trails in the San Gabriel Mountains and train for my two marathons with a great team.

Once again, life took an unexpected turn quickly. I resigned my job and traveled to Guatemala for 6 weeks which was a wonderful time of fellowship with old friends, new friends, and seeing a new part of the world. While at the Spanish school one day, I heard about a Christian orphanage up the hill that used many volunteers year round. I wanted to come back and work there one day, but I did not see how that would be plausible. I returned the United States and worked for 3 years in North Carolina. While living there again, I was blessed with making several good friends, growing in physical therapy skills, and healing inside with family and friends who experience the loss I had a few years prior.

I still had the desire to travel but was unsure when or how. When life changed again, I signed up with travel physical therapy company. I was able to return to Guatemala again. God paved the way for me to volunteer at the orphanage in Solola called Eagle's Nest. It was wonderful. I still have a special place in my heart for those children and would like to return one day. God surprised me by providing the same host family and teacher I had 3 years prior. This was wonderful as I traveled alone this time and was using the public transportation daily to and from the orphanage. New adventures on the foundation of knowing the town, family, and teacher.

While I was on a travel assignment last fall, I decided pursue another dream applying to Mercy Ships. I was told I was 8th on the waiting list for fall 2014. I did not have my hopes up for going fall 2014. After two travel assignments and no good jobs options in North Carolina with three companies for a month, I took a job here in Joshua Tree, California. I was living literally 5 miles from the National Park entrance and about 2 hours from friends I made while in California before.

After being in California for 2 months, I was surprised to receive a response back from Mercy Ships. They actually had an opening in a month. Would I be able to come? As you know now, I went. Another dream come true. I would not have been able to go on short noticed expect, the dates of my travel contract ending coincided with Mercy Ships' position.

Before leaving the ship, I committed to returning to the ship this fall. I,however, once again did not have a job for the summer. Once again within short order, I agreed to return to the same company here in the Joshua Tree area. I, however, was working in a different clinic. Another switchback: new adventures on a foundation. I did have the benefit of the same documentation and scheduling system. I had the adventure of new coworkers. I am living in the same complex, but different apartment. This one is even better as it has a couch on which to relax. In the winter, I hiked many trails all over the Park and local area. This summer, I have been able to share the Park with coworkers, meet new people, and strengthen friendships begun in the winter. Also, I have had the opportunity to experience another dream: visiting National Parks on several the weekends.

I sit here delineating these switchbacks in my life with yet another one on the horizon. Mercy Ships. I will be returning at the beginning of September.  Like these, many things will be the same which is comforting. Many other things, however, will be different, unique, an adventure. While I am on the road, hike, path of life heading up all I can see is way up. I can often lose my focus on God becoming overwhelms with anxiety as my mind gets to work figuring out how I can scale the height in front of me. As I return my focus and trust to God moving forward one step at a time, I am surprised by his blessings. He is able to see from the top and see there are switchbacks. He knows how it will work out. He gives the desires of our hearts in his timing. While it may seem I am headed in the exact opposite direction I want to go, impossible to occur, or too challenging, as long as I am walking with God it is right. It may be necessary to prepare me for the next switchback. The next beautiful view which is often better than I imagine. I am learning to trust him more and more with each one. 

National Parks: Relationships

After a busy week, I journeyed to Sequoia and King's Canyon National Parks. If you have been following my blog, you know time alone in God's creation gets my thoughts rolling. This past year I have been able to enjoy many National Parks. I have be struck several times by how similar the extent one experiences a National Park is to relationships with people.

National Park are often HUGE. Most have a "main attraction" so to speak. This is the area where most  people will be. It can usually be seen in a long day.  One can also go for hikes past what is recommended  for a day. This will allow you to see some more with less people. Often only a few other people will be seen. If you live near one or can go often, one can explore many trails far into the back country and rarely see other people. Even still, there will be areas left unexplored

Likewise with relationships, there are different levels of knowledge. Often spending an afternoon or long day with someone will reveal highlights of their character, life, and some interests/hobbies. Sometimes, there is an instant connection and the first day develops a strong bond of friendship. With more time spent developing a friendship, secrets are revealed, character traits good and bad surface, and a strong love can develop. Only few people get this privilege. Even so, I have head of couples who have been married for year occasionally say they have not heard a particular story before. There will be areas of a person that grow, develop, and change that will be new.

I look forward to learning more about God's creation in people and nature.

Roller Coaster

A close friend of mine asked me the other day, "what truly makes you happy?"  To my surprise, it was a challenge to answer. As many would describe me as emotionally stable.I am able to think clearly in chaotic situations, unexpected situations, remain calm outwardly most of the time. While I was in college, I actually had to look a lists of emotions to identify which emotions I felt during the day. Some may say that you would like to live life without emotions. It is not all it is cracked up to be. Although you are not often sad, you are not often very happy either. Over the years I have grown. I have allowed myself to experience true sadness, happiness, joy, anger, frustration, accomplishment, nervous, excitement. Just like a roller coaster would not be fun if it was only straight and level, life would be boring and unfulfilling without emotions. 

This weekend, I felt I was on a roller coaster of emotions. I was invited to multiple cookouts and events. I could not go to all of them. I wanted to make everyone happy. I became overwhelmed. I was able to recognize it and logically give myself grace to not be perfect. I began thinking of all the details that need to be sorted out and done in preparation for Mercy Ships. As the anxiety grew, I was able to remember Mom's saying "One tick at a time." A clock only ticks one second at a time. It is the seconds that build up to a minute, hour, day. I was able to step out of the anxiety.

When I arrived at the cookout, I was greeted by a German Shepherd. The owners reported he usually needs to warm up to people prior to them petting him or playing with him. Within a few brief minutes, we were playing with his toys, and he was receiving petting from me. I had a friend for the rest of the afternoon.  It was nice to play with a big dog for the first time in awhile. Dogs are one thing that does make me happy! 

The second cookout of the day included a young family with a five year old girl and 20 month old boy. I had a wonderful time rough housing with the boy and playing a video game with the girl which involved coloring and designing a bus. Children are another thing that I truly enjoy. 

Saturday, I had the opportunity to hang out and relax with a graduate school roommate and her husband. I enjoy spending time with them as we are all able to discuss controversial topics and process our thoughts out loud without fear or concern of being judged. We were able to sit on their screen in porch, relax in the pool, eat good home cooked food, and play with a small dog who loves to be cuddled. Satisfied, relaxed, challenged mentally to think.

On my drive home, I was thinking about my roller coaster of emotions. This is not the first time I have ridden this particular roller coaster.  I realized that there is a common theme in all of the emotions: feeling accepted and living in the present. As I was spiraling down with feelings of overwhelmed and anxiety, I was trying to meet standards that I  had placed on myself. I was worried if I failed I would not be good enough. While playing with the dogs, children, and hanging out with good friends, I was not being judged and living in the present. I was accepted for who I was in the moment. Isn't that what we all want.

While we get glimpses and moments of being satisfied, accepted, joyful with life, I can only truly find that in Jesus. Jesus is so patient with me as I ride this particular roller coaster repeatedly. I am grateful the rides are getting shorter as I am able to cling to His truth better. In myself, I will never be enough. He, however, is enough and has already declared that through Him I met the standard. His blood makes me clean and beautiful, gives me the "A+". 

We all have different roller coaster designs. Some have bigger drops and climbs than others as some are more emotional than others naturally. We all have different life circumstances. While living life we encounter challenges and difficulties, we are also able to experience joy, satisfaction, and acceptance. It is all these moments that make the roller coaster of emotions worth the ride. 

Not Alone

This weekend I had the opportunity to visit a good friend of mine from graduate school in the San Francisco Bay Area. We have stayed in touch via phone, email, text. We have made the effort to see each other in person several times since graduating. It never ceases to amaze me how we can pick up where we left off.  While in the area, we visited another classmate. I have not seen this one since graduating from PT school and had a facebook relationship with over the years. We both agreed we were still similar to when we were in school. While on the surface this is true, I am sure we have both changed and grown in our thinking and as a result of life circumstances.

This made me think about communication and relationships.  While, I value communication it is difficult to keep in touch. Due to different phases of life and different time zones, relationships and communication ebs and flows. Some I will not talk for months and pick back up where I left off. Some remain causal Christmas card relationship type where you know the highlights of their life. Some you are with day to day and know the details of the day. Others you share your inner thoughts. Although you are yourself in all of them, they all see different aspects of you. They all are important in a healthy life.

Many have wondered and asked why I am not married. I often respond I have not found a true life partner. Don't get me wrong I would enjoy a companion to share daily daily life, discuss thoughts, process life, travel together, make decisions together. While I do not have one, I have been blessed with friendships all over the United States and the world now. I have met and try to stay in contact with people. It has been a true blessing. I am grateful for all those who pray for me and stay in touch.

I also have been leaning on the fact that I truly am never alone. I am learning to trust God more and more. I am am so grateful he is not bound by time. He can go before me to prepare the way, walk beside me through the day, and "clean up" damage I may have caused. I look forward to the continued adventures of life with my God, partner, friend, father, shelter, guide, strength. Stay tuned.