Emotions and behavior discussion was very relevant in my life these past few weeks. Sometimes, our feelings and emotions lead to our behavior (good or bad). If we feel tired or down, we won't work out and eat unhealthy food instead. If we feel angry, we may say something we regret. If we feel happy or accomplished, we want to celebrate. Other times, however, our behavior influences our emotions. Part of being human is the privilege of having emotions and feelings. Learning how to live with them well can be challenging.
Also, the same place can elicit many different emotions. For example, this week as I was flying into the triangle area, I was sad no one would be picking me up at the airport. I had to drive back to where I live. I live here rather than in Charlotte. Although, I have not lived in Charlotte for a while, I still travel through there often. Once I was driving home and talking to Dad on the phone, the feelings left. Last night after driving to Raleigh and around Raleigh to meet friends, I had the same feeling I did seeing the San Gabriel Mountains when driving back from LA proper. I was glad to be living in the small town where walking, biking, running, more relaxed and friendly environment.
The running group begins and ends each run at the running store. Upon entering the shopping center at the end of the run, a fellow runner and I were remarking we could get hair cut, eyebrows done, European wax, massage, buy a wedding dress, and eat average food at chain restaurants all in the same place across the street from a large commercial mall. We agreed we enjoyed our small neighboring town where none of this is found. Online, the town I live in is referred to a middle to lower middle class town that people chose to live here. This is accurate. Sure, we go to the neighboring cities for their amenities, but enjoy returning to the refuge of more simple, relaxed lifestyle. So the very town I was not looking forward to returning earlier this week was a wanted refuge a few short days later.
Another example I experienced this week was working with a highly anxious pt and mother after a tumor resection. When asked why she was so anxious, the pt always responded she was afraid moving her leg would hurt and she could never move it again. With encouragement, time, and comparing aspects to other difficult tasks she had conquered, she slowly performed the tasks at hand. Each time, it was not as bad as she had anticipated. Her feelings were keeping her trapped. With encouragement from outside sources who had seen many similar situations, she was able to conquer the fear. No matter how old I get, new experiences often foster this scenario. Experience has taught me to pray, reach out, keep pushing through. If I let feelings dictate my behavior, I will miss out on some wonderful experiences and meeting people.
I was feeling down, like I did not to leave the house. Due to the goal of being able to run with the group, I am trying to keep up with the training program runs. Sometime runners will tell you the hardest step is the the first step out the door. Knowing this I laced up my shoes, grabbed a hat to cover my ears and my reflective vest. Sure enough, when I returned home, I was glad I had gone for the jog. I was in a better mood, more relaxed, not anxious.
Another example, I did not want to feel lonely this Sunday afternoon. I decided to attend a free saxophone concert at Duke. I had time between church and the concert. I began texting and calling friends I had not taken time to reach out to in awhile. One of the new friends texted back saying she was in the area. We went for a walk and then attended the concert together. Branford Marsalis made an appearance for one of the pieces. Behavior lead to more pleasant emotions and experiences.
I am not good at recognizing my emotions or even what the triggers are for most of them (happy and sad). It dawned on me last week that one of the things that was bothering me was change. I moved here with the intention of finding and building community. I thought staying put in one place, I would find it easily. Although, I have stayed put for several months, others have come and gone. My interests have waxed and waned. My roommates have changed.
I was reminded that the only thing that does not change is Jesus. He is our rock, our refuge, our strength in time of trouble. He created emotions. We are not robots. This evening while attempting to cook, do laundry, text friends, I tried baking sweet potatoes. While checking their progress later, they remained very firm. It was then, I realized I had forgotten to pierce them. As I was piercing them, I thought of this blog I started several weeks ago.
The potatoes were hard, firm, inedible. It is only by puncturing/damaging them deeply so to speak that heat can enter the soften to the center. Once soften, they are edible and useful. Without thinking about it, I daily put up a wall. I am "firm." Sometimes, events, words, expectations not met pierce through. The heat enters to the soul. I want to cry. Often I stop myself as it is not a good time or place. I will say, I have cried more in the past year than I have in quite a while. I guess it is a sign of being soften by the circumstance of life, personal and work.
In closing, this is a long random blog with thoughts started that will hopefully be fleshed out as I continue to trying to appreciate the gift of emotions.
