Table for One

Have you ever noticed how themes in life seem to occur. One of the themes in my life this past month is singleness and marriage. I have had a couple friends this month facing the decision of divorce; I have traveled alone; I have felt almost shunned for being single; I have felt accepted and love for being single, I have enjoyed fellowship with couples and singles over the past month. This is a long blog processing some of my thoughts on the topic all in one place. I hesitated to post this, as like many blogs, here it is my unfinished thoughts and raw processing There is not any highlighting for a quick read as this is more a stream of consciousness. (I guess, you can skim if you want a quick read :) )

Often people ask why I am not married. I usually answer with the candid, "I have not found the right one." I truly only want to marry once. I have dated, but not found a true companion and partner in life. I have been raised with a high respect for marriage and singleness. Ideally, I only want to marry once and remain married. I am not under false illusions. I know marriage is challenging and requires continuous work and good communication from both parties.  I would rather be single than in a very difficult, unhealthy marriage.

With divorce, like most things in life, there is more than meets the public eye. Although judgement should be withheld until details are known, it seems the culture has lost the will or desire to keep the vows made before God and with their partner. Our culture, as a whole, has lost appreciation for marriage and the significance of the vows taken before God with the spouse on that wonderful day.  The wedding day can often be the focus for up to a year or more of planning. Many couples do not think or plan for the actual marriage. How are they going to communicate conflict, love, service, partnership, finances. Yes, many of these change over time but need to be thought about before. It seems to me (keep in mind, I am single) that if these were at least discussed honestly some divorces or major conflicts during marriage could be eased, if not avoided. (This is of course is if vows are taken. I have several friends who have chosen to share life together, but not officially become married.)

I also have be raised around several godly people who have been single their whole life (never even lived with a boyfriend or girlfriend) and are now in late fifties. I have seen those who have been single for many years after losing a spouse whether through death or divorce remain single. I have seen God bring first time marriages together of folks who have been single into their forties. No way is better or a higher calling than the other.

While I do honestly believe the aforementioned, being single at this age is not a piece of cake. There are many times in life that I do desire to have a true partner. While I do enjoy the freedom of being single, there are limitations being a female and single. For instance, due to safety concerns, I do not hike by myself in the wilderness of National Parks,go backpacking, or go places at night by myself. It is easier to travel with someone (not even a spouse necessarily). It is helpful to have someone be navigator, help look out for signs, make decisions together regarding what to do and navigating changed in itineraries, having someone to share the experiences with in the present and to remember with in the future. As a fellow crewmate stated on Mercy Ships, "It would be nice to have a partner to share the joy of life, the responsibilities of daily life and make decisions together."

While this is true, there is a world to explore and people to meet. Being an introvert at heart, it often takes a big self-pep talk and courage from Jesus to go to free museums days, line dancing, hiking groups, markets, new places, events and the like without knowing anyone. It is "safer"to stay at home/in alone. Since we were created for community, not trying new things and getting out and about some is a recipe for depression and loneliness. God has been faithful providing someone to befriend me at almost every outing, begin lasting friendships, fulfill life-long dreams, and see some new parts of his creation in these past two years of traveling. 

Previously, I had avoided going to nicer sit down restaurants. I admired those few who you see who come with a book or laptop and eat alone simply because they want to do so. It shows such confidence to me. Sure there are places like Panera, Chipotle, Moe's etc that it is acceptable to go alone, but sometimes you just want something different. Twice in the past couple months, I decided to go to a nicer restaurants because they were recommended, I had the time, and was in the area. Both times, I felt ostracized. Sure, a single person does not give as much tip, but we are still humans and can eat wherever we want. I did not sit at the bar at the first place as there was not one. The second place I did not want to order a drink, and therefore did not want to take up a place in a busy restaurant at the bar.  The first one, I asked for a table of one. They did seat me, but off in a corner. It took a while for a waiter to come and take my order. He was pleasant, but wanted me to hurry through the meal.  I ate and left as quickly as I could.  The second time, I was seated at a table off the the side of a main pathway that was clearly not being used for patrons. The waitress rarely came to refill drinks or check on me but was checking on neighboring tables. It was like I may as well been wearing a scarlet letter "S" for being single.

The church I have been attending in Charlotte get kudos for making people who are single for whatever reason (widow, divorced, never married) feel like they belong to the church body. The are in leadership positions of Sunday School teachers, on committees, lead service projects, keep the nursery, lead small groups, are integrated into the larger church body. I would honestly say that I truly feel like I belong...No scarlet "S". In fact, during the last sermon series based on Matthew 19, singleness was held on the same level of marriage as a godly lifestyle. We are all needed in the family of God.

Some points spoken I had not given much thought to before, and some I have. Singleness can be a gift. Paul refers to it as such. Some people are meant to be single. Many of the great "faith heros" were single (Daniel, Paul, Elijah, Elisha, Anna and Simenon in the temple, etc). This is still a hard possibility for me to swallow. Another thought, marriage is an example to us of how Christ loves the church. Singleness is an example of how the church loves Christ. The freedom singleness provides allows us the flexibility and time to serve Jesus and the church body more. Singles are integral to the church body. We have a place. We are not the leftovers or outcasts. It is a high calling to be single just as it is a high calling to be married. No one needs another person to complete them, to fulfill them, to accomplish their dreams. Although it is hard to remember and live out, every human can only be made complete with a relationship with Jesus.

So without further ado, I will press on living life to the fullest the best I know how at the moment. God and I will continue to have adventures. Maybe one day the adventures of life will include a true life partner, husband. If not, I pray God will continue to grant me the grace and wisdom to a blessing to others in the freedom to love and serve others without the responsibility of a family. Also, I pray for the ability to trust in His goodness and faithfulness in my life. Off I go to meet new people and keep the current relationships.  The more people I meet, the more I realize how similar we are. We are all trying our best to live life. Life has rough patches, fulfilled dreams, buckets lists, unexpected circumstances, and second chances. I truly enjoy hearing peoples stories and sharing Jesus's love in practical ways. It is rare I truly have a table for one, but in those cases I can be confident that I am not truly alone. Jesus is there.