Relationship Status
Warning: This is a long post with no photos.
During the past several months, I have been in the application process with a mission organization. Multiple interviews were included. In every interview, I was asked the following question: Have you thought about going to the mission field single? I did answer with appropriate tone of voice. "Yes, I have thought about it alot. I know that if I am going to get married one day, I will not miss the gentleman by going to another place.Whether I am near or far, I know that I need community of married couples young and old, children, as well as other singles. In the past couple of years, I have been in a healthy community that is made up of married and singles and children. The families include the singles in their life. We go to the park, the water day in the family's backyard, dinner after work with the children breaking down from tiredness. It is wonderful to be included in the natural rhythms of life of family. I know too that they are super busy and do not always think to ask me how I am during the week. I know though that I can call or text them any time. I have already discussed this with the missionaries that are currently serving there. They agreed that what I described is what they would want the community to be like."
I want to assure you, being single does not mean you are on a second tier on society. In a way, comparing singleness to marriage is like comparing apples and oranges. As people age in the respective categories, their lives look very different by default. One is not better than the other. Singleness and marriage both have pros and cons, sweet aspects and challenges. They just different ways of living.
God has provided many blessings and special experiences for me while being single. I have not missed out in life. I have met people and close friends, learned about culture, myself, nature, seen many different areas of the country and world, made decisions to move quickly and made big career changes. Even this past week, he provided a coworker and an honest mechanic in a moment of need.
This week, my new roommate asked me if I was in a relationship. I simply replied, "Not now." She asked why not. I explained that if I simply wanted to be married, I could have been married along time ago. I, however, would not be in a healthy marriage. I have friends who are married in a healthy marriage, unhealthy marriage, divorced, and single with a deeply hurting heart. Marriage takes 100% from both parties. If one party is not willing to commit or work through the guaranteed difficulties and disagreements, the marriage will not be healthy for long.
She went on to ask, "Don't you get lonely?" Yes, I do sometimes. Marriage or a serious relationship is not a fix for loneliness. In fact, I have heard that sometimes one can be more lonely in marriage than single. I told her that I can choose to be lonely or I can choose to be involved in the community and activities that I enjoy. I shared I am taking advantage of being single. I take pottery, in a running group, have dinner or tea often with friends, talk to friends on the phone, email, video chats, go to small group, and save to travel with my friend. I have discovered that often I initiate with people and friends. I rarely regret it. Also, it is not personal that people often do not initiate or occasionally cancel. They are busy and I am not in their day to day. It does make me feel very special when someone initiates with me.
She replied, that is so true. I think people do not want to feel lonely. This is the reason so many people are in relationships too long or at all.
While processing how to live well as a single over the years, I have been reflecting on Isaiah 54:1-10.
I can say that while I do not have children of my own blood, I have given pieces of my heart to several children in different countries. In fact, God has used them to foster my desire for the next chapter. I do not need to be ashamed, disgraced, confounded because God knows me, cares for me, gave his life for me.
It may sound cheesy, but when I think about what I would want in a husband, God does provide it. A partner, someone to live life with. He will never leave me or forsake me. Unconditional love, He is the only one who can truly give this. Someone to give advice, He has given us his word in the Bible and still speaks personally to us today. Someone to listen to my complaints and frustrations of the day, He is always ready to listen. Someone to go on adventures with, He provides adventures daily and created the nature I like to enjoy with friends and alone.
Don't get me wrong, I still wonder sometimes; Did I miss a wonderful opportunity by being so focus on school, dreams, etc at other chapters of my life? Am I too unique/odd to fine a good "match"? Is there such a thing as the gift of singleness? Did God give it to me?
In conversations with other single women, we have discussed men saying we are independent. Which came first? Because we are single, we have to deal with the car that needs to be repaired,carry everything in the house or out of the car, pay all the bills, budget, make decisions regarding big and small purchases, travel, cook, clean the house, car, etc. We do reach out to others we know when we do need assistance or help, but we cannot do that for everything.
I do not think I will ever have definite answers to these. I do know that I am currently single in a great community and family. I do have a God who loves me and knows me and knows where I am in life. He can use me to do his will whether I am single or married. So if you are married, ask someone who is single over for dinner or to go to the park with your family. If you are single, keep your chin up and enjoy life.
